the thing about grace....

it requires change. one cannot receive it and remain the same, that would be a waste.

so, like wearing new jeans that haven't been stretched out, you kind of just wobble along waiting for some give, some room to wiggle. and then what was once so uncomfortable, becomes a second skin. without which you feel nearly naked. levis and grace go hand in hand.

how does the saying go? it takes a lifetime to build a reputation and a day to destroy it? probably not even a day, probably a mere second. one word can change everything, let alone a look, a decision. i see this principle, however, only working in the negative. when a bad reputation is attained it takes much more than a day to change it. or so it seems. people begin to expect certain things from you. certain reactions, faces, and attitudes. often times, their expectations birth reality. even though you have changed---thanks to grace--- you fall back into old habits.

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last night i was used up and ready for the trash. everything from my feet to my spirit felt spent. when i got home, i opened a new castle and sat on the couch to tell my dad all the horrors of the day: 20 minutes of complaint. open beer number 2 and it was his time to talk. my dad gives truth in digestable dosages: "for the past 20 minutes all you've talked about is yourself; you're self-obsessed. you see the glass half-empty." well, shit, he was right. again and always. "let me tell you something," he continued, "not to be dramatic (i love that qualifier!!), but when your brother was dying, i'd be driving home from work to frickin' el cajon to ed and louise's house (his in-laws) to my dying son and my wife and daughter who were dying, too (of course not phyically speaking) and this dark cloud would come on me and the only thing i had the stength to say was the name of Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus over and over." by this time, i'm crying. the thought of a father watching his only son die... it just kills me. as it should, right? i mean, my whole belief system is based on this very thing: God watching His Son, Christ, die. by His death, I am made alive. His sacrifice means my grace. yet, i am so quick to be near-sighted and only see 2 feet in front of me. distracted by an extra 3 pounds or a broken air conditioner or a bruised apple. accepting His grace requires me to see beyond myself. It is no longer I who lives, but He who lives in me. and this, my friends, is an exhausting process that can leave you spent on a wednesday night. thank God for dads and beer.