jibber jabber

engagements-- specifically proposals-- can be terribly romantic. for example: last night, my friend tobin asked his lady, orissai, to be his wife. he said, "you make me the happiest man. i love you more than anything in the world." her diamond sparkled brightly all the way down to me, seated at the foot of the table. that table full of close friends and family. gathered to celebrate tob's birthday, but we knew what was coming. we knew the champagne toast was really a means to a proposal. orissai had no idea. a secret kept. i think i cried a little.

andy, tob's brother in law, also made a toast: "i remember when the sparks began between tobin and orissai and tobin was so scared. and i said, 'when you're scared shitless it's a green light to move forward.'" ahhh, ain't that the truth.

usually what scares you is what you've invested your heart into, you've strewn your dreams across a landscape of "what if..." and if only certain stars would align, perhaps you would move forward. yet, you are scared. or maybe that's just me. i am realizing i am more scared than confident. for example: i am scared to actually pursue writing. i am scared to tell people how i really feel. i am scared to commit to a career (hair, history?). i am scared to say "i'm praying for you" when a girl at work complains of a migraine. scaredy freaking cat.

i mean what's the worse that can happen if i open my mouth and say, "this is how it is, i am attracted to you. we get a long real well. why don't we go for ride on the dating train?" or "the reason i don't ever want to hang out is because you talk too much and, quite frankly, you're boring." side note: is there anything worse than be boring? i think not.

and i am so afraid of some plan not coming to pass, that i dare not declare a goal or vision. how presumptuous of me to think i could be published! or that i could be a busy hair dresser! or a good wife! in the past 23 years, i've grown certain of only a few things: God is true. He is holy. He is in control; I am spoiled, bloated, and inconsistent. So, i rest easy knowing greater is He who is in me....