...but it's all coming back to me

oh god, i forgot how good celine deon sings! listening to 90s ballads really gets you going in the morning. anyhow, i want to talk about living supernaturally. you see, what makes a christian a christian is not the cheesy bumper sticker or patriotic tee shirt or gay bashing or purity ring... what makes a christian a christian is death. the death of Christ, namely, then followed by death to self.

but what does that even mean, "death to self." well, as far as i can tell, it's inner suicide. it's taking every single ounce of me and killing it. my pride, my dreams, my preferences, my attitudes, my natural dispositions, etc etc. this includes what we like to call "reflex." this is death to self. and it does not come naturally, hence it is supernatural.

regarding being born again (the cornerstone of christianity) oswald chambers writes, "only when he is willing to die to everything in his life, including his rights, his virtues, and his religion, and becomes willing to receive into himself a new life that he has never experienced. this new life exhibits itself in our conscious repentance and through our unconscious holiness." when i first read this, i was snapped in a fetal position. depressed, down and out, hating my life. wondering--- like i do many a day--- what the hell God was thinking.

what could be so wrong to cause such desperation? the minute i tell you, it will become clear what god i serve most of the time.... money. not having a job for 5 months kind of dries up funds, kind of lets debt get you by the balls. and even though you live in la mesa with a view to kill, even though you get to eat your favorite foods everyday, even though you have parents to provide and friends to love, even though your life is more perfect than it's ever been, just because you are unemployed and penniless, you hate it and listen to a lot of dashboard confessional.

what was God thinking (and apparently thinking for the past 5 months)? that Alise Marie Alicardi is still alive and well. and she better start dying real soon. and those idols better not just be shifted, they better be knocked the hell off that high place. or else, it's going to get worse.because God will do what He must to have His people live up to the name they adopt: Christian, little Christ.

"for His sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ and be found in Him-- that i may know Him and the power of His resurrection and may share His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death." Phil 3:8-10