i haven't been sleeping. sleep deprivation is a sign of aging, i think, because growing up it was only people older than myself who complained of insomniac spells: my mother, my grandfather, my friends in their 30s. at 23, i think it's come too early and frankly, i'm freaking tired of being tired. my eyes don't even start to look alive until midday. my mornings are spent drinking coffee in hopes of energy... energy that comes only in fits, like seizures. people are often asking me what i am on. i am doing everything right: i am active, my caffeine intake is low, i drink beer and take tyenol pm... hello, whats the deal?!?!
i am taking a break from certain people, certain things. maybe its not temporary, maybe it's going to be permanent. i find myself filling obligations that no one has obligated me to do, no one but myself. in my head i have a list of "things i must do; people who i must see; places i must go" and then i stress out. and then my mom sits me down and tells me "you don't have to do it." and then i am ok. in many ways, it's good i still live at home because most of the time i need an authoritative hand to make decisions. just tell me what to do! i am bad at making decisions, worse at commitments. oh yeah, i am realizing i am a bonafide flake. this scares me.
recently, a friend told me, "you have to have more goals then to be a wife." we were at the waterfront on a monday afternoon. i was eating free popcorn. he was eating 25 cent wings. both of us were drinking water. this was said in response to my whiny claim, "i don't know what my goals are." his words caused my eyeballs to get teary and then my throat to get lumpy as i was not about to cry at the waterfront on a monday afternoon. for days afterward, i kept thinking about what he said. no, i did not have some great goal-epiphany. but i did a make a decision and that is to complete my hours and receive a cosmo license. is hair my "passion?" no, but if staying dormant, cooking gourmet recipes, and writing on a whim paid the bills then i would get a license in that.
growing up-- and maybe this is a church-kid thing-- i expected growing up to be exciting. like, every major crossroad to be illuminated like the las vegas strip. for all things to be handed on silver platters trimmed with parsley. for white doves to fly from heaven with messages from God himself telling me EXACTLY what i should do. alas, this is not growing up. growing up is realizing life is putting one foot in front of the other and when tripping occurs, to stand back up and not freak out... i freak out a lot. sometimes you just gotta make a decision and then be okay with it. so this is my decision, to do hair. and to write, even just this silly blog, with hopes of someday getting paid for my opinion.
maybe, i will sleep better tonight.
